Refrigerator magnet.
Smart kid.
Red One!
You're in charge. Anyone gets within 40 clicks of the perimeter, signal me.
Keep all doors sealed, do your homework, preheat the oven
and don't let Lulu in the cookie jar.
Everything's ready?
Come on.
All right. All my Nazis are finally here.
I want all of you at attention!
Okay, let's start where we left off yesterday.
¤ You are 16, going on 17
¤ Baby, it's time to think
¤ Better beware Be canny and careful
¤ Baby, you're on the brink
¤ You are 16, going on 17
¤ Fellows will fall in line
We open in a week, people. The set isn't finished.
Mother Abbess just quit because she got shingles!
And every step-ball change would make Bob Fosse rise from the grave
just so he could have a heart attack again!
- I'm really sorry. I'll get it right. - No, you won't, Seth.
You and your mother over here can't get it right.
And I know this because I am a professional.
I directed Show Boat with Greg Brady.
It wasn't union, but it was good.
Obviously, I quit!
Exeunt stage right!
Seriously, Seth, if you drop me again, I'm going to kill you.
- Hi. - Are you okay?
I'm fine.
Come on.
I'm not gonna quit!
I don't expect you to understand...
I may not understand a whole hell of a lot about this kinda stuff,
but I definitely understand not quitting.
And from what I see, you're pretty good.
A little discipline, you could make a go of this.
- But what about Murney? - He's an all-talk spaz.
So, The Sound of Music?
- I saw it when I was a kid. - Really?
The idea of a nun ditching her habit for a guy in the military.
Nothing wrong with that.
Do you think girls will think I'm weird?
They probably already do, Seth.
But you'll kill 'em later.
Come here.
Forget about everyone else for a second.
Is performing what makes you happy?
Yeah, more than anything.
All right, fall in.
Company. Center stage.
Who is this guy?
Now, do you or do you not have what it takes to perform this musical?
- We don't have a director. - I've directed rescue missions
all around the world.
I've directed numerous snatch-and-grabs
from countries whose names you are not allowed to know.
I've choreographed multi-pronged amphibious landings
and stealth air attacks!
Do you think I have the military proficiency...
...to direct this production?
Yes.
- Yes, what? - Yes, sir!
Once upon a time, there was a family...
...of elves.
And one day the little elf family
went into the magic forest
to find a secret...
...gnome...
...facility,
where the gnomes were turning mushrooms into uranium.
So three elves laid down heavy suppressive fire on the gnomes
while the others maneuvered around to the right flank,
finishing off anything left alive.
And not one of those elves were left behind that day.
We got 'em all.
Even the teeniest...
...littlest elf of all...
...Rodriguez.
You're gonna have to do the Panda dance or he won't stop.
Oh, come on...
I don't know how to do the Panda dance.
I'll write it down for you.
Close your eyes. Go to sleep. I'll be right back.
You gotta do the dance.
Like Dad used to do. He made it up for him.
You have to do the dance to make him sleep.
Come on.
¤ When you're down and low Lower than the floor
¤ And you think that you ain't got a chance, bum, bum
¤ Don't make a move till you're in the groove
- Lulu. - Thank you.
Seth.
Zoe.
Today you drive.
But I can't even pass Driver's Ed.
Exactly.
We're all gonna die.
Have you ever given a driving lesson before?
In a minivan? No.
Think of it like a Bradley Assault Vehicle.
Especially when Zoe's driving.
- Zoe Plummer! - Zoe, what are you doing?
- What are? Slow down! - Truck!
Not bad.
Land! Solid land!
- I think it went well. - Oh, it's so dramatic.
Hey, hey, hey. No fighting.
- Play nicely. - Sorry.
- Hi. - Hey, how are you?
I have noticed an improvement in the Plummer kids and I'm very impressed.
Yeah, you know, they're just misunderstood.
Peter, careful! Don't make me come up there!
Someone needs to take the time to talk to 'em.
- You're getting a little attached. - I take my job very seriously.
But it's like you said. They're just kids.
Well, keep up the good work.
You look very nice today.
Thanks.
I don't think you understand. Don't you ever do that again.
Is that clear? Okay, I've had it.
I caught the kid dancing to no music. I want him out of my class.
Somebody's gotta give this punk a talking to.
Seth?
Well, you got something to say, twinkle toes?
Yeah, I do, Murney.
- I quit. - You quit.
You know why you quit? Because you're a quitter.
And everybody knows that quitters...
...quit.
What are you scared of, Prancer?
- I'm not scared. I want to act. - And I want to take up origami.
- I'm in The Sound of Music. - A musical.
You're giving up wrestling to be in a musical.
That happens when there isn't a man in the house.
There is a man in the house. It's me.
Well, it's gotta be a tiny house.
You think you're tough, boy, don't you?
Wanna shave the tiger? Do you?
- You want it tough? - Where did you wanna do this?
- What are you talking about? - You said you wanted to wrestle.
Where? When?
- After school. - Okay.
- Today? - That's right. The gym.
Remember. You mess with the bull, you get the horns.
Out of my way!
- How did that feel? - It was good.
Murney is getting his butt kicked at 3:00!
That is so gross.
Come on! Come on!
What? That's it!
Someone's gonna get hurt today and you know who it is?
You're about to enter Murney's House of Pain!
What do you say we go over the rules, cue ball?
Rule number one.
Never be too eager to rush your opponent.
Wanna play prison rules, frogman? Wanna play prison rules? You got it.
I'll be your daddy.
All right. Now you've unlocked the beast.
Oh, God!
From this position, it's relatively easy
to manipulate your opponent.
And thus we have the chicken wing.
The chicken wing.
The arm bar.
The crow bar. Or my personal favorite...
... the pacifier!
Any questions?
Anything you didn't understand?
The nipple crippler.
This is a useless, not to mention, shameless move
that ultimately is a sure sign of desperation.
And finally...
Pinned!
That was awesome!
- Are you okay, Murney? - Get away from me!
Can I get a little help, please? I can't move my back. Watch the back!
Go!
Sorry!
I didn't get that cone!
Crawl!
See? But he usually breaks down the door.
Excellent! Now do it backwards.
Okay.
¤ When you're down and low Lower than the floor
¤ And you feel like you ain't got a chance
¤ Don't make a move till you're in the groove
¤ And do the Peter Panda dance
¤ Just hop three times like a kangaroo
¤ Side-step twice just like the crabs do
¤ Three steps forward One step back
¤ And quick like a turtle Lie on your back
¤ Roll like a log till you can't roll no more
¤ Betterjump quick like there ain't no floor
¤ Hold your breath Jump to the left
¤ And that's the Peter I swear that's the Peter
¤ That's the Peter Panda dance ¤
- Again. - Again?
You're going to sleep. Good night, Peter Panda.
Good night, Daddy.
Good night, little fella.
Good night.
Hey, Skeever, what do you put in a jar and shake till they're dead?
Fireflies?
Go away and we won't hurt you.
Hiya!
Don't even think about it.
Cookie!
Eat it, you jerk!
Go get 'em!
Customer service.
From now on, you do things our way!
No highway option!
¤ I don't care what has been said Fireflies rock full speed ahead
¤ Give me guff, I'm in your face Fireflies rule the human race
- ¤ Sound off - ¤ One-two, three-four
¤ One-two... three-four! ¤
- Gary the duck? - No.
We've been here two weeks.
This is a matter of national security.
Well, I am sorry, sir, but none of these answers ring true.
Howard. I'm so stupid.
Is it "my angel"?
Yes, it is indeed.
Well, I'll leave you to your business.
Please, Howard, no more surprises.
Zoe, a rookie sniper could drop you like a deer.
- Good. - Good?
All right, this is about Scott again.
No, it's not.
You were right about him. Stupid guy.
- So, what's wrong? - Nothing.
Nothing. Okay.
You know, when I was little, my mom left.
My dad was a spec ops soldier like me.
When I was eight, he shipped me off to military school.
I guess he liked being a soldier more than he liked being a dad.
One day, I get a letter.
No more dad.
That's terrible.
For a long time I thought if I talked about it, I was letting him down.
Like I was supposed to be brave or something.
Yeah.
It's okay to talk about your dad, Zoe.
I do miss him so much.
I don't know, I just...
I wanna be strong for Lulu and Tyler and Peter
and Seth and my mom.
That's such a big burden to carry.
I know.
I miss him so much.
It's okay to miss your dad.
I'll get it.
- Really? - Yes.
Seth! Seth! Guess what? Mom's coming home.
- When? - Tomorrow! She's coming home tomorrow!
- When did you talk? - Mommy's coming.
Here, buddy, Mommy's coming home!
Mom's coming home!
She is?
She's coming back.
Peter, aren't you excited?
- When's she gonna be here? - So, what are we gonna do?
We should dress up nice. We should make her something.
- We'll clean up the entire house. - That's a good idea.
- We should make a banner too. - In the family room.
What's wrong, Gary? Foot got stuck?
Hang on, hang on.
Okay, now just stay still.
Hi. Come on in.
- Are you ready? - Yeah, almost.
- Yes? - Hey, it's Shane.
I have excellent news. I think I found GHOST.
- Do you have it? - It's in a steel vault.
It needs some sort of two-pronged key. I've been working on it, but it's tough.
Great. Good work. We're on our way.
Don't do anything further. I'll be there soon.
Yes, sir.
Ready?
The good news is, once I give this to my C.O.,
whoever's been bothering you ain't gonna be.
Really?
What's wrong? Your mother's coming. You should be happy.
But, Shane, doesn't that mean you have to go?
You should get ready. Your mother will be home soon.
I had a fight with Zoe before I left, so they probably trashed the place.
Welcome home, Mom.
Hi! I missed you!
Guy!
Shane, I am so proud of you. I truly am.
I am going to give you your choice of assignment.
Anywhere you want to go, you just name it.
Well, I appreciate that.
But I'll have to think about it.
You're gonna think about it?
Well, the military's all I've ever known.
- I have no regrets. - I should hope not.
It's just that being with this family...
- I've never had a... - Put your hands up!
The Chuns?
You gotta be kidding. I swear I checked them out.
Give us the key.
- Put your hands up! - Okay. All right.
Here.
Now!
You promised us GHOST months ago!
Well, I'm sorry. There were delays.
Shane!
Stop talking.
Shane's not gonna be babysitting you anymore.
I trusted you. Howard trusted you.
You've betrayed us and you've betrayed this country.
Guess what? North Korea pays better.
Chun, watch them. They're squirmy.
You two, come with me.
Did you bring the stethoscope, Mrs. Chun?
No, but I've got some C-4.
I just had my eyebrows done.
Quiet!
I said "Quiet," you little bug!
Now, Peter!
Well, that's cute!
That stuff doesn't hurt!
Shane! You can't do this! You can't leave a man behind!
Hold on, I got it.
Shane!
- Where's Mom? - Mom?
I'll find her. You guys run and get help!
Hurry!
Are you sure you're gonna be okay?
Yes, Lulu. Go, get help.
Hold on!
They're headed for the car!
- Zoe, call 911. - I forgot my cell phone.
- Great. The only time you don't. - We're gonna be okay!
Oh, my God! What do we do?
Find a cop!
- He's gaining on us. - I'll handle it.
Look, Zoe! It's the cops!
I assume you heard the Baloney Bandit has struck again.
I accept total responsibility. My intelligence, well, it was faulty.
If I had better resources...
I told you not to pass her in Driver's Ed.
You have exactly three seconds to get me through this mine field.
- One, two... - Bill.
She doesn't know.
And you're not taking another parent away from those kids.
Leave the family alone and I'll get you in.
You better not be bluffing.
Zoe! Seth!
Lulu! Peter! Tyler!
That was the code. I saw Mr. Plummer use it to open the briefcase.
You think this is a game? Code or no code, open it. Now.
You can't make him do this.
I know Howard. You haven't got a chance.
¤ When you're down and low Lower than the floor
¤ And you feel like you don't have a chance
¤ Don't make a move till you're in the groove
¤ And do the Peter Panda dance
¤ Hop three times like a kangaroo
¤ Side-step twice just like the crabs do
¤ Three steps forward One step back
Quick like a turtle! Lie on your back!
¤ Roll like a log till you can't no more
¤ Betterjump quick like there ain't no floor
¤ Hold your breath Step to the left
And that's the Peter Panda dance.
All right. Go.
Yeah, right.
Okay, I'll go first.
Great work, Shane. I knew you'd figure it out.
I think you'd better open it.
Wait, wait, wait!
Back away.
You open it.
Come on. I walked the floor first.
No way. You can do it, soldier man.
Any last words, Shane?
Say good night, Peter Panda.
Shane, are you okay?
She was never a good neighbor.
Zoe, you're going too fast!
You're not gonna have time to stop!
Who said anything about stopping? I'm parking.
- What are you doing to these kids? - Hands where I can see them!
Okay. Calm down.
Everybody! Put your weapons down!
I want the GHOST.
Calm down. It's just a duck.
- Where's the GHOST? - I have it.
Bring it here!
Put it on the ground.
Now, Gary. Go for his balls.
Okay, duck whisperer, step away!
Gary, now!
Couldn't let you have all the fun.
So I guess you'll be taking off now?
Seeing as there's no reason to stick around anymore.
I'm still here, aren't I?
- What now? - I don't know. I'm on dry land.
True.
Which means you're the superior officer.
True.
So you tell me.
Excuse me, ma'am. Could I have a few words?
Sure.
Well, we... I... You know.
Oh.
We'll talk later.
- Mission accomplished, soldier. - I suppose it is.
- I guess you'll be leaving us now. - I guess so.
I want you to have this.
Because I don't want you ever to forget me.
I will never forget you.
'Cause you're the best friend I ever had.
No matter how far...
...or long life takes me away,
I will always be thinking about you.
I love you, Shane.
I love you too.
From now on, it's your command.
At ease, soldiers.
Your father would be so proud of all of you.
Look who just woke up.
- Shane? - Yes?
- Are we ever gonna see you again? - What are you talking about?
We still have one more mission.
¤ You are 16, going on 17
¤ Baby, it's time to think
¤ Better beware Be canny and careful
¤ Baby, you're on the brink
¤ You are 16, going on 17
¤ Fellows will fall in line
- ¤ Eager young lads - Yes!
¤ Will offer you food and wine
¤ Climb every mountain
¤ Ford every stream
Looks like you have a hit on your hands.
You think so?
You should take over the drama department instead of wrestling.
It's gonna be nice having you around now.
Now that Murney's found his true calling.
¤ Climb every mountain
¤ Ford every stream
It's gonna be my pleasure serving with you.
¤ Find your dream ¤